Turning thirty…

A few days before I turned thirty years a close friend of mine asked me “how would I feel when I turn thirty?” This post is in some way my thoughts on that question. I’m neither sure if I can capture the feeling of crossing that mark nor I’d say things change after turning thirty, yet there is something about hitting that number – only the one who reachs there would perhaps know.

As a young boy I grew up asking many questions to my father, mother and teachers. I used to indulge in debates with people I knew and sometimes with people I didn’t know. I still do. I’ve been part of some intellectual discussions where I haven’t contributed much but still participated more as a listener. I’ve also been in situations where I did seek for advice when I thought that I lacked the ability to think on my own. And sometimes I’ve been in discussions with myself.

I can appreciate aging by the questions that have occupied my mind over the years. The kind of curiosity I’ve have had over the years have actually not remained the same. What used to grab my attention once up on a time seem to have little or no effect on me now. I must also say that things have been pretty drastic in last six to seven years, mostly because of the people I’ve met and interacted during these years. The friends I made at the Indian Institute of Science have been a great influence. It roughly started with me attending a talk by an Israeli – American Nobel laureate at the campus. His name is Prof. Robert Aumann. He gave a talk on the subject “War and Peace” with a mathematical base. Though I didn’t quite understand all that he spoke but I still remember him using the words like rationality quite often, which was pretty new to me. In fact I had done some web search on him before the talk and did glance through various things that he had worked on. I was pretty attracted towards his works for a while even after his talk. Besides the fascination to see a Nobel laureate for the first time in my life, what I liked the most is that he started his talk by defining the fundamentals. For instance he defined “economics”, “rationality” etc before he went into the nuance ideas in game theory applied to the subject of his talk. That event has surely played a role in me appreciating the importance of starting a thought process with definitions, whether in my work or in general my life.

Definition of success has also been a vital indicator of aging to me. It is widely acknowledged, at least in my circles, that success in school is to top the class (and win competitions), success in college is to get a high paying job or a get seat in a grand place to do higher education and success in adult life is to have a career that ensures prosperity, fame and stability in life. With that definition of success I have tasted a bit of success in my life but not really much. Though reluctantly I did subscribe to that definition of success to an extent, I’ve had my disagreement for such a definition from my early childhood for various reasons. Having contemplated for the definition of success and I still do, I’ve also been indulged in another related thought that takes reasonable amount of space in my head. I wonder about the purpose of my existence, rather more apt questions are: is there a purpose for my life, should I define it or should I find it? Sometimes I think that I should come up with a “meaningful” purpose for my life and achieving that is the real success. Now, what is the definition of “meaningful”? – Something that makes me feel “truly happy”, So what is true happiness?… Well, what I’ve realized is that every time I define something fundamental I end up using an abstract idea or more fundamental thought that again has to be defined precisely – in a way it is an endless process.

In spite of it being an endless process to search for answers, I’ve convinced myself of an utility in going about this journey. While I’ve not been able to precisely define “success” or “true happiness” or “my life’s purpose” and many other things, in this process I’ve continuously been figuring out what is certainly NOT the definition for these things. I feel I’m slowly getting over things of lesser importance in my life while my mind is focusing on doing things that are driven by need. At thirty, I’m left with many fundamental questions in my mind to answer and my guess is that the questions only become tougher as I understand it better – I’d either have the courage to attempt in understanding it or I’ll ignore it – that perhaps time alone will tell.